mood emo
listening to Iris by Googoo Dolls

mumble jumble abracadrabra.

PMS doesn't normally affect me any day but today i'm just gonna make it the black sheep and blame it for making me the emotional wreck that i am today.

Rudy came over today supposedly to study and we were just bumming around and talking when i told him, "when you go to australia, you wont have anyone to help you do models anymore, when you're tired you cannot just come by hall and sleep on my bed, i wont be able to da bao hall dinner for you, and i wont be able to help you clear your studio and lug all your things to keep in hall..."

I actually said those words in a very matter-of-fact and practical way without considering any emotional aspects of it but before i knew it, the next minute i was just bawling my eyes out and crying and crying and the tears just refused to stop.
Like what i said before, i really wasn't scared about what is going to happen to me in his absence, or that he could possibly get himself head over heels in love with a dumb blonde over at down under, or that our love will just die along with our hustle bustle as our lives no longer run parallel in this bittersweet place called NUS. Afterall i always believe that God holds our future in His hands, and that all is secure and well.
Truth be told, i also didn't know what exactly was i crying about, perhaps just a sense of helplessness, at certain uncertainties that taint our relationship (but then again, which one isn't?), and i suppose i was just sad, that things are going to be different.

The past a year and a half had been so eventful, we have spent so much of our time together that he is as much a part of me as i think i am to him. A few days ago, when jasmine said how she thinks X and Y wont last because X is going to work soon and Y is going overseas and those are completely different realms as compared to being fellow undergraduates, i told her, that in a relationship, it really isn't about what kind of hurdles one throws at two people, or what kind of shit-hole determines the doom of their love. It really is just about laying the foundation right and starting on good grounds. Just like what the bible says, if your foundation of belief and conviction is a mere passe, even your spiritual life will just crumble in the face of persecution and adversity. Likewise, in a relationship, if you are just a player, you will crumble as easily as you started. with all due respect, just my two cents' worth.

But we've laid so much foundation, shared dreams and visions and each other's lives, and the future seems like it's just there. and yet time is not enough. Come july, things are going to be so different, and it is starting to get to me. next time i gotta clean my fish tank all by myself, and if ginger gets sick again he won't be here to be the loving one to bring her to the vet and feed her antibiotics and clean her tummy with a cottonwool. I wont have anybody buying me goldfishes out of the blue, fussing over my lunch and dinner, or nag about how i never take my prune extract and don't take care of my health, knowing that i've got low blood pressure. Noone will be asking whether i am back in hall safely or what time i am sleeping, and i bet my phone bills are going to decrease dramatically once he is gone (i should switch plans altogether. might as well.)

I'm feeling so damn emotional i am actually laughing at myself. i cried at every sentence he spoke, dunno cry for what also. I did not, for the life of me, see all this coming and then the emo wave just swept me off my feet like a tsunami. right smack before exams some more, thank you very much. my tear ducts were working OT and i had so much tears that i started making patterns on his shirt with it (i've got a picture to prove it, the patterns actually made quite an abstract art). and now my face is as swollen as a puffer fish. want to go toilet also dont dare to, scared people will scream ghost when they see me.

shit, man. i'm such a wreck today i cannot study. rudy is sleeping on my bed now and i am supposed to be mugging til breakfast and be really really productive. But when he wakes up and eventually read this he's gonna shake his head and wallop me because instead of reading my stupid post-harvest notes what am i doing now? blogging. in the blind of the night.

so for the past 8 hours, i accomplished only "pre-cooling methods for post-harvest processing".

yay!



note: this is a crappy post. will edit when in a right state of mind.