mood: comtemplative
hooked on to: Daybreak by Lisa Ekdahl

I was absent-mindedly browsing through my flooded mailbox when i got reminded of a saved mail at the bottom of my inbox dated 24th March 2004.
It was a little after the release of my A level results and being the bouncy chirpy bird God's goodness had made be become at that time, my cellgroup leader asked me to write a testimony to submit. Eventhough in the end the church did away with the idea altogether, reading it again a while ago brought much heartfelt presence. It was my love story with God, of how He gave so much so that i could have what little dreams i wanted.
it went like this:

All along i've been a more or less average student who was never very serious in my studies. most of my teachers had always felt that i wasnt putting enough effort in my work.
My parents in indonesia have very high expectations of me and so do my relatives, with whom i'm staying in singapore. My relationship with my relatives has never been a smooth-sailing one, especially after i became a born-again christian and commited my life to Jesus. They hated it when i came home late past midnight from church conferences and seminars so many times in the month and they were convinced that i was wasting my time going to weekly cellgroup meetings and services right at the other end of singapore.

When exams were drawing nearer, i had a burning desire to do extraordinarily well for my exams. I did not want to disappoint my parents, who had such high hopes in their eldest child. I wanted to do well for the sake of my own future. But most importantly, i wanted to glorify God above everything else. There was a longing in my heart to show my relatives in singapore that being a christian isnt something time-wasting & degrading. I wanted them to see the glory of God through what i was going to accomplish.

I wanted it so badly that i always used to question what did God have in store for me. admittedly i was often blinded by my own fear. sometimes i felt that the accountability was too great, or it seemed like i was endlessly waiting for what i thought might not even come. to put it bluntly, i was just scared. I had such big dreams i was never sure i could reach.

I studied very hard for my prelims. However, most of my studying time was spent outside & my relatives were never quite convinced that i was working hard. They even told my parents that they think i wasnt going to make it to university, and i could feel cynicism oozing out of every single conversation i had with them. Their lack of faith made me feel so demoralized but i was determined that it was all going to work out well. Afterall God promised that everything is going to work together for good to those who love God, and that He hold my future in His loving hands, i thought.

His promises comforted me but i worried because i knew eventhough i trusted God, my faith was not enough. i felt condemned because i knew deep down i had doubts. It seemed so easy to tell myself to have faith. But as much as i wanted to believe that i was strong, sometimes i would still wonder, what if everything doesnt turn out well.. I felt so ashamed when i thought of what God would think of the faithless child i was.

So many times i tried doing things by my own power. When my prelims came, i thought i was really going crazy. I started falling sick more often than usual and so many times i would get mental blocks such that i wouldnt be able to recall anything i've tried so hard to memorise.

The day of my biology core paper, i woke up in the morning to find myself barely being able to make it out of my room. i nearly fainted trying to go to the toilet, i was so ill that needless to say, i didnt manage to sit for my paper that day. I was devastated. not because i thought my prelim grades would suffer, but because i felt myself losing strength to run after what i was yearning for the most. God's promises seemed so out of reach. In the end, i obtained a C,C,E for my prelims.

With the help of encouragements from my cell group leader and members, i managed to sit through my A level exams. At that time i was sleeping so little that they were shocked at how horrid i looked, dark rings and all.

Even after sitting for the exams, i didn't think i would do well. However, i eventually talked it out with God. In my own quiet times, i felt His comfort and peace settle upon me like never before. He showd me a verse, "He who overcomes shall inherit all things, and I shall be his God and he shall be My son." Rev 21:7.
He helped me to battle with this persistent fear of the upcoming release of results and eventually, i managed to tell God that it really didnt matter anymore. I apologised because i doubted Him and my faith was so little, and I told Him that i was going to accept whatever the outcome is with joy. I wanted Him to know that i love Him. I wanted Him to know how much i love the Blesser more than the blessings.

I shocked myself by not feeling the slightest tinge of anxiety even up til the day results were to be released. The day before, i remember telling a cellgrp member that i would be happy to death and more than grateful with an A,B,C. but i thought it could have been worse.
I turned up late on the day results were released, wanting to miss the principal's speech and the prize-giving ceremony. Ironically, i arrived just when prize giving was about to start & i even joked with a friend that i would never be able to go up to the stage, eventhough it used to be my dream.

I was shocked beyond belief and could hardly believe my ears when the principal called my name to announce that I obtained 'A's for the 3 subjects i took: maths, chemistry and biology, and an A2 for General Paper. I was one of the 39 students in my school who obtained 3 distinctions and above.
As i wobbled up the stage to collect my cert, i couldnt help but think of how good God has been. He remained faithful even when i was faithless.
My mum was over the moon. My relatives were impressed and slightly embarassed for all their negative predictions. and I was so stunned that i literally laughed and cried while holding my cert.

And yet, the greatest thing God has done in my life isnt the results itself. It was the fact that He helped me overcome my greatest fear. Of failure, and of accountability. As i took little steps to become the overcomer He wanted me to be, He showed me what it meant to inherit His promises. God showed me that having overcome, He gave me exceedingly and abundantly above what i could ever ask for. And the most important thing is He let me see that He never fails to turn my darkest moment into the most excellent opportunities to glorify His name, & that He simply loves to see us eventually emerging to be the champions that we're all meant to be.

I want to thank my cellgroup leader, Jolene, for having faith in me, and i also want to thank Pst Kong, for never failing to inspire me through his God anointed preaching & being a walking example of God's faithfulness. Thank you, city harvest church, for being the most fantastic place i could ever imagine myself to belong, and i want to thank God for His faithfulness & relationship, without which i wouldnt be here at all.

How time flies, it's been over a year. exams are here again, and Lord, i am scared. help me never to wipe off the traces of the encounters i once held so dear. Help me to know that You, Lord, grant perfect peace to those whose mind is stayed on You, who trusts in You.

Academics aside, looking back at what i had gone through in my younger years, as a christian, as a teenager growing up, and how Jesus took me up from the puddle of muck, the cold and unfeeling selfish little thing i was, and showed me how it felt like to love, i just can't help but say, that i love Jesus with all my heart and soul. as i said a thousand times before, i can doubt anyone, anyone. I could have people dear to me leaving one by one, i could have myself stripped of all my worldly gains, but i could never doubt the Lord. For He's proven Himself faithful.

Exams are nearing in less than 2 weeks. The Lord says, "Do not be afraidm nor be dismayed; be strong and of good courage, for thus the Lord will do to all your enemies whom you fight" (Joshua 10:25)
It has been spoken. When you cling on for dear life, fight so hard on your own, God can't fight for you. did you hear that? or were you so busy you missed His still and small voice?

today was a good day! got back the result of the test i dreaded so much a week back. got 77%, which completely threw me off my feet and put a stupid grin across my face, considering i could jolly well have passed up a blank paper if i had sit for the first test.

Thanks gideon, for all the well-meaning concerns.. but i can just never sleep early, you see. haha. lets go get your ipod on saturday!
Thanks Garrett, for the timely wake-up call. Though i don't know you, you have encouraged me, in more ways than one.
Thanks rudy, for just doing what you do and being where you are. =)

i love my life.

erh.. that was a gigantic post. bye!